Lifeless Corpses...

Lucky are those who've found a way and are blissfully headed towards their graves.

I belong to the "confused" lot. There are times when I fail to understand my purpose and my entire life seems "meaningless". All of us are here for a reason. Some create innovations, some play with numbers, some create dream worlds through words, some make music. They say, it takes time to realize your purpose. Some people are special, because at a very young age, they find the path that belongs to them. Some find it out a later on. Even Buddha attained enlightenment after marriage.

In the end, Its destiny that has all the answers. Some people live an entire life in uncertainty. So you cannot be assured of finding a way.

But destiny should be fair. Either it should direct us to our ways as soon as possible, or gives us a relaxed conscience that finds solace in uncertainty.

Because without a purpose in our lives, or without relief in our hearts about our uncertain life...
We are just lifeless corpses. Yep.

A Letter to my 16 Year Old Self...

Dear 16 year old self,

I know how you feel. I really do. You've been through a lot, I know. But I applaud you as you're more lively and happier than me. People may despise you, family may side line you, but you still manage to laugh your heart out and smile at mere strangers. You possess a baby's heart, that's so easily distracted by small pleasures in life. Please don't lose this trait somewhere down the line.

You're braver than me, you handle rejection and misery in a better manner. You've handled an emotionally chaotic childhood very well. You may shed a tear or two but after some time you're laughing your ass off at anything that's slightly laughable.

Don't listen to your family when they mistake your "Internet surfing" as your "Technical interest". Your mind is light years away from anything logical. It flies in the skies of creativity. Be a kite flier of your thoughts, that's what you're meant to do. Trust me. Don't opt for engineering, it'll set you on a different road altogether and you'll be lost.

Maintain that confidence you have right now. You KNOW you can act, sing, dance and write. Never forget what your teacher says when she talks about the "expression" in your writing. Those poems at the back of your note book are great. You CAN form the next big punk rock band, if you DON'T enroll into an engineering course.

You may be different in every way, the world may sideline you, but you're special too. You always love with all your heart (That's why you gave a ring to that girl which she casually rejected), you're always there for your friends (Although they don't really value you). Always have this "giving" nature. Because you have a heart of gold, and it does not matter if the world does not acknowledge it.

Don't cry when you grow older, girls don't find it cool.

In the end, I just want you to know that you're God's special child. Different AND special in every way. You MUST know that at all times, so that you don't turn into a Bewada Devdas like me. I know you want to be loved, but for that you have to love yourself. Because my dear, you're special..

I wish I could be like you.

I hope and pray you don't grow up and find this post to be your "True Story".

Much love,

Your 22 year old self...

Another post. Another (failed) attempt to make sense out of words.

But this time i'll not talk about words. I'll talk about silence. About the importance of being silent. I've never really understood the need to talk. The world accused me of being "reserved" or a "social outcast". Words don't matter, what matters is the realization. People say a lot of things they don't really mean. Some only say something when they mean it. The latter class of people have all my respect.

When you'll remain silent and you'll see people around you getting the spot light, your ego will trouble you and fill you with jealousy. But don't listen to the ego. The world only satisfies it's temporary amusement by listening to people who talk too much. Remain silent, talk only when required. Let your words be refined. What you speak should be like a strike of a hammer, which happens sometimes, when the iron in hot.

There are also times when one should speak. When people mess around with you. Speak out. Don't fight. Let your words be your walking stick which help you to walk your way without any hindrance.

In love, always shower words. Because love that's expressed is a love that exists.

Let me end this post now.

=======

Wanted to shake off the writer's block.

Everything is fine with the office buoy. Yep.

Later!

The Office BuOy...

And so the so called, much hyped work life began. Offices are like disguised slaughter houses, slaughtering the days of our lives shift by shift. Yep.

The one good thing about office is that there's no time to think and argument about things. Therefore the mind stops fighting with you, and you're distracted. So yes, it's kind of like a psychological meditation. As of now, this is what I feel. It may get only worse later on. But this time, the worse part comes with some bucks and that's what matters. Yep.

*Misery flushed*

So here's the deal, whenever I'll feel miserable, I'll blog. Yep.

That's what I'm doing even now. I'm one of those people who fight a cyclone in their minds, every single day. Science may have a name for this state. But for me it is "Mind fuck".

People are not following the right code of conduct of a relation, if they say "You don't deserve my sadness, You only deserve her happiness". They must know that I aint a freakin' parasite. Every relation is largely about sharing misery, because only the negative emotions are meant to be shared to reduce their effect.

Also there's a gamble I've played. Sometimes things look good. Sometimes they do not.

GAH...

Lets just stop thinking for a while..
Lets just live a so called life....

YEP..

There are days when your fingers are itching and you want to take it out on your keyboard. Today is one such day. A day when it all stands clear in front of you. A clarity that is without any emotional set back.

You realize that promises are just words that people say..

You realize that true love was much more than what your heart things. It's a big big conspiracy as a whole. The universe's conspiracy.

You also realize that nights may echo with lots of words, spoken within the silence. But words are just words, the promises they make are just mere consolations. Only time acknowledges what is spoken.

You also face the fact that its only you who's looking for true love. The world is looking at faces, they're just being hypnotized by the physical beauty. It's like a big practical joke.

You just look at all these bitter truths... and you smile. Because...some days it doesn't really matter. If this is how it's supposed to be then so be it. Yep.

For the sake of it...

Sometimes, just write for the sake of it. Just because your mind wants to throw in some words. Some words that you'll make sense out of, and some which will automatically make sense, when put together. Sometimes write, to satisfy the word weaving libido of your head.

You need not write anything sensible. Just put words together, and you never know when a magical spark of meaning will be emitted.

It's not about proving the world anything, or about writing the next best love song, or getting that booker. It's just about writing.

Therefore, Sometimes just write for the sake of it. Yep.

Sweet sweet personal blog,

I know I've been a bad bad buoy. I know I haven't paid proper attention to you. But I'm helpless. My life currently is dimensionless. There's nothing to talk and rant about. There is uncertainty and a little misery too. But there are no clear signs of where I'm headed too. It's like I'm in the middle of nowhere and all I can do is just wait for my lady luck to hand me a GPS device.

After college, it feels like the ground under my feet has magically disappeared and I'm free falling to a place I don't wanna go. College was good. The boring classes, the useless lab experiments , the bridge underneath where we used to get drunk and re enter our classroom. I think I feel my "those were the days" realization.

As of now, the noose of uncertainty is still tied to my neck. Waiting for the blade of luck to cut through it. Till then I'll hang to it, like a living corpse.

Much love,
Punky..

Back..

Why am I not blogging?

That's because a dimensionless life rarely creates arguments. College has ended. I also got two job letters. But I'm not interested in the job offers. There is a lot of confusion and there's a clueless dodo.

A late realization creeps in every now and then. A realization which tells me that college was better. But actually these realizations are liars, every phase of life is equally shitty. It's just that once you get over it, you don't see the shit any more. Yep.

We are all enacting our master plans. A master plan which has its predetermined twists and turns. Its a road we gotta walk and we can't re construct it. All we can do is just walk. Yep.

Some days I'm banging my head on the wall of thoughts and some days I'm quietly walking my road. What remains is the journey, the mysterious journey.

That's about it!

And look look! I just blogged! YAY me!

Also I'll be hitting the road to Delhi again. Travelling is always fun. It gives my inner hippie a sense of satisfaction. Yep.

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Very very bad bUoy.

Yep.